WANTED

Dave Williams

aka The Prep School Poker

Omaha (NE) - Rosy cheeks and neatly trimmed dark brown hair. Shaggy look-alike beatnik slacker. Black 70's R&B singer. Devoted yoga guru. These are the many disguises of suspected water polo buggerer and compulsive leg squeezer Dave Williams, aka The Prep School Poker. And he's on the run again, eluding authorities and living life...on the lamb.

"I'll be the first to admit it," says former student P. McCarthy, "when Dave would disappear under the water, we all got a little nervous. More than once I felt large hands on my buttocks. And come to think of it, the water in the pool always seemed a bit more viscous when Dave was there. Oh god, I'm going to be sick."

This is one of a hundred chilling tales of buggery stretching across the country and spanning two decades. Today, Dave Williams lives a free man. Where will his next towel-snapping incident be? Why is his daughter hot in a bookish molestee sort of way? Who will his next victim be? Help us put The Poker in prison. Call Crimestoppers if you have any information.

America's Aging Squirrel Crisis

Storing Nuts No Longer Enough

Omaha (NE) - All you have to do is look around and the evidence that Squirrels are living to record ages these days is abundant.

You can't walk down the sidewalk without tripping over a squirrel. Neighborhoods are blanketed with squirrels. They've replaced rats as the animals "most likely to stream out of sewers." Even opening your front door and pushing a swath through the sea of squirrels on your front porch can be a difficult task. And this is just the beginning.

Elderly squirrels now account for a full 2/3 of the swelling squirrel population. No longer able to gather their own nuts, these aging rodents rely on nesting with their offspring. The adult children are generally put-out by the presence of their parents in the nests and the squirrels often bicker about the burden of now having to now gather nuts for four.

"Have you priced one of those tiny walkers lately?" asks the squirrel we interviewed for this story. "They're expensive as hell. Where do you even get one of those things? I had to find a used one on the Internet and it came without the tennis ball feet. I had to pit a couple of green olives and use those instead. Now Mom smells like a urine-tini."

Older Teachers Get Facelifts

To Compete

For Underage Boys

Omaha (NE) - There's no denying it: headlines around the country are proclaiming that older teachers are having sexual escapades with underage students. It's all the rage. And it's every boy's wet dream.

The hot teacher with the perky tits and the see-through blouse (it's awesome when she stands in front of the window in profile when the sun is beaming in) who asks you to stay after school and then takes you back to her apartment in her Honda Civic and gives you dirty, freaky sex like the kind you saw in your uncle's porno stash under the stairs when he stayed in your parents' basement for six months back in the 70s. She gives you a rusty trombone and you return the favor with a dirty sanchez and a Cleveland steamer (intended to be a Texas chili bowl but got out of hand).

I digress. What? Uh...errr so yeah the old teachers and the young students. So anyway, as the female teachers get older, it becomes more difficult for them to compete with the young hot teachers, so they're getting facelifts--ah, you see where this is going. Pictured above is 68 year-old Janice Wilborn of Mesa, Arizona, showing off her new facelift.

Man Breeds Giant Dog
Neighborhood Children Disappearing

Omaha (NE) - Mixing new breeds of dogs is fashionable these days, with unusual combinations such as Labrapoos, Pitzus, and Doberman Shepherds commanding top dollar at kennels across the country. That's what compelled Omaha native Doug Henry to set out on the ambitious task of breeding the world's first giant dog.
"In the beginning we drew a lot of media attention and were guests on every television show from Leno to The Joy of Painting," Henry reminisces. "It was an amazing story. But eventually we became yesterday's news and suddenly the dog food sponsorships and enormous chew toy donations dried up. Coincidentally, that's when the children began disappearing."
As child after child mysteriously disappeared, Omahans began to keep their children indoors, playgrounds grew deserted, and Henry's giant dog became the prime suspect.

"The freakin' dog actually had bows and pieces of backpack stuck in its teeth," says neighbor Randy Jones. "And still, people were like, 'Oh no, not the giant dog, it's such a sweetheart'. I was like, are you crazy? Little shoes pepper that dog's shit like undigested corn niblets."

Omaha Native Josh Derr Named
World's Most Ineligible Bachelor

Omaha (NE) - In a stunning and rare public statement today, the entire female human race announced that "a consensus has been reached that Omaha native Josh Derr is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most undesirable single male on the planet."

The group cited a laundry list of reasons to back up their claim, including (but not limited to) Derr's disgustingly flabby, pale physique, his status as a single father of three boys, a 1994 vasectomy preventing him from creating new babies, an deplorable credit rating including a bankruptcy and car reposession, a bullshit Bachelor's of Science degree in Film, pungent foot fungus, an inability to swim, mild herpes, excessive nose picking, drug addiction, and generally poor yard maintenance.

"We felt strongly that we needed speak as one and enlighten those that are fooled by Derr's pearly smile and occasional wit," a spokesman for every woman on earth said. "We feel confident that Josh Derr is a fungus toed bottom feeding film slacker and we want to make sure that everyone puts it in his face as much as possible."

SHOCKING REVELATION!

More Mexicans Making Mongolian Beef

Anytown (USA) - Next time you go out for Chinese food, take a close look behind the counter: more and more cooks at Chinese restaurants are not even remotely Chinese. They are, in fact, Mexican immigrants.

So many Mexican-Americans have integrated into the Chinese-American culture that a new ethnicity term has been invented for their offspring: Chinesicans. Many Chinesicans (also commonly referred to as "Chans") have been quietly populating our cities and suburbs for decades. Now experts are saying that they represent a full 75% of Americans, followed by a distant 20% Caucasians.

"I love Chinesicans," said Stacey Rodriquez of San Francisco, California. "My husband Hu Ernesto is a Chan. They're super fun people, they're smart, they're funny, they're hard working, and they can cook the shit out of some Chinese food. But where did they all come from all of a sudden? It was like, one day it was the White Fifties and you wake up one morning and it's the Chan Oughts. "

Oates Crashes Oscars, Hall Quits The Band

Naked Oates High On Meth, Morning After Pills

Hollywood (CA) - Eighties rocker John Oates, after consuming a mind-numbing cocktail of crank, Robitussun, and a mouthful of morning after pills, stormed the red carpet Sunday, naked as a jay bird and stumbling around muttering "Fuck Hall, fuck Hall" over and over and over again.

He arrived at the Oscars clinging to the back bumper of Hillary Swank's limousine. As the limo rolled up to the Kodak theater in Hollywood, Oates jumped from the back bumper, bear crawled under the legs of two security guards, and ran down the red carpet yelling back "You're out of time biatch!"

When asked about the incident later, Swank said, "I saw Oates jump on the bumper back on the freeway on ramp outside of San Bernadino. At first I was going to have the driver stop and shoo him away, but then I figured Why stop? He'll lose his grip eventually. But you've got to hand it to him - he clung to the back of that limo like a baby monkey clinging to his mother's back."

Oates was later arrested and then released to the care of a forgiving Daryl Hall, who said, "It's no secret that Oates is a douche bag. Do I need to say any more?"

Man Who Ate Self Gets New Lease On Life

Torso Guy Scores Big On Plane Crash Tragedy

Omaha(NE)- Freakish local Head and Torso and purported midnight toker B.C. got a new lease on life yesterday after a plane carrying a gay model, a bodybuilder, Canadian porn star Christine Young, and local crap band 3 Day Meat Sale crashed in a field outside of Plattsmouth.

The plane, piloted by local moron G.W. Venteicher, was carrying the passengers to the grand re-opening of Moby Dick water park next to I-80 Interstate. B.C. was among the first to arrive at the scene. Surveying the limb-strewn field before him, he decided that he could use the severed body parts to replace those that he had cannablized from his own body months before.

Using nothing more than some 12 guage speaker wire, a moist towlette and an upholstery grade sewing machine, B.C. successfully wove the new flesh to his torso and head, doing such a fine job that even his own mother couldn't tell the difference. But...why the breast?

"I'm all about the tig 'ole bitties," B.C. proclaims proudly. "Plus the tit acts as a kick stand when I sleep on my side at night. It's really quite comfortable."

Man Eats Own Body

Now Just A Torso And Head

Omaha (NE) - Local chain smoker and gad-about-town B.C. refused to buy groceries. Broke and weary from chronic masturbation, he resorted to pilfering his parents' cabinets for food. When that supply ran out, he took to eating condiments, coffee grounds, and uncooked spiral pasta. And when the well ran dry, B.C. turned to the last option he had: he began eating himself.

"At first it was out of necessity, to stay alive. Then it became a sexual thing. Before I knew it, I had roast foot in one hand and my dick in the other."

Before he knew it, B.C. had eaten every inch of flesh he could reach with his horny cannabalistic mouth and was left with nothing but his torso, the stump where his scrotum used to be, and his head (minus the lips).

These days, B.C. can frequently be seen darting around the streets of Plattsmouth in the specially designed tricycle he had made, steering with his teeth and braking with his scrot stump. He's always full of good cheer and often will mouth the words "Remember kids - don't eat yourself" with his gaping lipless orifice.

B.C.: our Omaha's Own award winner for March 1st.

Is it real? You decide: http://www.trosch.org/lif/cannibalism.html