Grover's battered relationship with Anderson Cooper left him 

solitary and despondent.

Beaker's legendary cocaine habit 

destroyed his dreams of singing on Broadway.

Stranded alone on a desert island,

Bohn quickly decided that clothing was optional.

"I'll take the redhead," said Ted.

Okay, I get the blow over to Mike, and..and..oh, man am I wasted. What's that? Is that a cop? No, no - it's cool. I am totally incognito.

Stompin' Tom Connors was a sun-soaked Irish tenor who loved 

beating the crap out of immigrants.

R.E.M.!  R.E.M.!  Stipe is God!

Pussy made $300 a night licking peanut butter.

Speak out against feline-special needs-masturbation disinformation!

So, Connie, thanks for answering the ad. Have you seen Double Parked I or II? 

Hook me up with your sister and I'll shave your coin purse. 

And the Grammy for Best 70s Spaceship Fiddle Album goes to...

Yes! Doug Kershaw! Devil's Elbow

Found in Frosty the Snowman's porn stash.

President-elect B.C. measures the White House drapes.

Oddly, Cindy's married name was much better than her 

maiden name, Cindy Knucklechildren.

"And then the King of England knighted me Sir Flamsy Flim Flam

 and we all dined on baby's breath and googly-eyed radishes."

Bert turned in his Marlboro Miles for a PBR casket.

Psycho and Larry's brilliant physics equations

revolutionized the way we think about the origins of the universe.

Hours later Whiskers blew himself up in a crowded dog park.

Ralph's career as an undercover cop was short-lived.

The band later fired Lisa for "not looking disinterested enough."

"Greg, you gotta stop smokin' pot, put down the Playstation,

and quit beating your pud like it owes you money."

That was the year that Paul went as

Ritchie Sambora's cock for Halloween.

Great Moments in Black History Part IV:

Curtis Briggs, the first token black guy.

Doug's telemarketing paycheck barely covered the

student loans for his theater degree.

Ronny Hubbard had a big dick and he knew it.

Xenu's Statue of Liberty audition went well, he thought.

Sandy's dreams of an all-night, all-you-can-eat

tuna casserole joint never came true.

...so that's how rich white guys like me will

always hold you back from achieving success.

The cotton candy is around the corner.

Brad liked to listen to Tom Sawyer by Rush

while he took pictures of himself in the mirror.

Later, in the alley behind the bar,

we thrashed John for years of air piano solos.

Jenny's pussy was immaculately groomed.

Christina's inability to mediate her dogs' breakup

was heartbreaking.

Jeff's fighting style was disarming.

Dirty dancing with Jackie was like

humping an incision for a liver transplant.

World's Sexiest F&B Man and Local

Pussy Snapper B.C. is Back on Top

Former gad-about-town is the toast of the Shmendricks

Omaha (NE) - Oft judged by many to be an unpredictable, leering jack-in-the-box bouncing on a crooked spring of success, former Plattsmouth gash farmer and local read-all-about-it B.C. is once again at the top of his game after a series of ups and devestating downs.

"What can I say?" B.C. smirked, pursing his lips and turning his head to the side. "They come to me. They say, B.C., we've got a problem and you're the only swingin' dick who can make it go away. And I sez to them, I sez, alright you cocksuckers, whatever it is you think you're going to pay me, double it. Then add some more. Then go home, have dinner with your family, watch a little TV, go to bed, and come in the next day with the brilliant idea of paying me even more. Then assemble that amount of money on a table, take a picture of it, and email it to me at ThatsStillNotEnough.com. No, better send it to payme@GetBent.edu.

Having evaded the limelight for months, B.C.'s sudden turn of success is baffling to some and long-overdue to others. In an interview with B.C.'s rarely public brother this week, the physician commented that "(B.C.) is displaying signs of alcohol withdrawl, porn addiction, and a false sense of well-being. He needs to go back to the club where I started my career and pay his dues by shaving backs. Then he needs to check out the tits and make a decision."

B.C. has also been seen partying around town at some of Omaha's hottest underground nightclubs like Club Gary and V. Trendy with a fair-skinned Laurel lookalike who's into activity dates and deep kissing. B.C. dismisses the relationship as, "another girl whose heart picked up what B.C. is laying down."

Jeff considered Randall's offer to cup his balls.

Cindy's sense of humor and winning personality
made Greg overlook the fact that she was a tube steak.

Bruce nailed last year's Christmas card photo.

Randy Judkins: Edutainment for Everyone

Ernie snapped the tiger's neck, thumped his chest,

and slowly, determinedly defiled the corpse.

Jeff's style was like Dave Matthews meets complete crap.

Paul had to get the taste of box out of his mouth.

What the 14 year-old girl you're having Internet sex with

really looks like.

This time the most embarassing thing about Rick wasn't his hair.

The most kick-ass movie poster ever.

It started with a few friends playing hacky-sack at the park,

then someone pulled out a piano and started playing.

Next thing you know we had an impromptu jam session.

Scott liked to wear his glossy blue baseball jacket and

roam the neighborhood stomping kittens.

Joyce's artful blend of hip-hop and trance was a

simmering stew of love, angst, and understanding.