THE BITCH IS BACK

BK welcomes back beloved spokesman for launch of gay burger

Plattsmouth (NE) - The two biggest moments of BK Bob's life happened yesterday: his longtime companion and personal manager Steve got down on one knee and proposed; the other, when fast food giant Burger King called him at home and offered him a job.

"They said they were launching a new gay-themed menu item called the Homo Burger and they wanted me to represent it," a beaming Bob reported. "The ironic part was that they didn't even know I was queer - I was in the closet - and chose me purely on the virtues of my child molestation case. I guess I appeal to the "Perv" demographic. The fact that I'm gay is just lube on the rim so to speak."

The Homo Burger was the inspiration of BK's marketing guru, a guy in Plattsmouth named B.C. "Pink buns, hot meat, ropey strands of mayo all over the damn thing. That's a gay goddamn burger, I don't care who you are," said B.C., lifting his arm over his head and scratching the middle of his back. "But they got the name all wrong. Backdoor Burger. Pow. Fags running, walking, crab walking to their nearest Burger King. Homo Burger?" B.C. said with a sneer. "Those fatcats up at corporate need to stop giving each other Texas Chili Bowls and shut up and mail me some more food discounts."

Rumsfeld's "Keg Bong 3000"

was a huge hit at the barbecue.

Though the eye people could see for miles,

they couldn't hear worth a damn.

Joe's dad was kind of a prick.

The other scientists scoffed,

but Dr. Jenkins' bait was sure to draw out

the mighty Big Foot.

It was too late when Robert realized that

Annie was the assassin he'd been warned about.

In his final years, Don Knotts was virtually unrecognizable.

Next to anyone else,

Brad would have been "the gay one."

Happy Fourth of July!

In retrospect,

it was funny how no one noticed when

Muhammed started attending the meetings.

B.K. Bob Acquitted; Arby's, Long John Silvers Fight To Ink Deal

Editor's Note: This story is part of the long-running saga of BK Bob. Start from the beginning by clicking here.

Omaha (NE) - World famous Burger King Bob, seen on televisions around the globe and caught up in highly publicized on-again off-again romance with actress Kyra Sedgewick, was acquitted today of child molestation charges. Absent of his usual toothy grin, a visibly relieved Bob exited the courtroom and stepped into a bidding war between fast food giants for use of his likeness in future ad campaigns.

"I'd rather be flame broiled than go to the joint again," Bob says, eyeing a group of small children playing nearby. In the late 1980s, B.K. Bob spent three years at the Oklahoma State penitentiary after being convicted of smuggling counterfeit Disney Happy Meal toys into Arkansas. "I realize now that I can't keep ordering the kids meals," Bob laments.

Bob and the Burger King have been seen partying in every major city from Paris to Tokyo, often waking up with a different girl every morning. "One time, the King and I woke up with each other," Bob admits. "There were fries all over the bed and the room smelled like a combination of ketchup and asshole. But that's better than the time I passed out at Mayor McCheese's and the Hamburglar had his way with me. I still can't eat pickles without needing to take a shit."

Bob is currently in talks with Arby's and Long John Silvers to take on spokesperson duties at one of the fast food conglomerates. Though he could go either way, Bob indicates that he may secretly have a preference in mind. "I'm a big fan of fried food. Fried food and naughty little girls left alone in the play area while their parents order it. Yum." Bob says.