Ralph got shit-faced on dog water and

puked all over the rug in the entryway.

BK BOB MURDERED!

Rumsfeld vows to find killer

Omaha (NE) - Burger King spokesman, beloved children's entertainer and passionate gay rights activist BK Bob, recently linked romantically to former Chairman of Defense Donald "Randy" Rumsfeld, was found dead yesterday, decapitated in what appears to be cold blooded murder.

"Bob was like a teacher, a mother, a secret lover to me," proclaimed a visibly upset Rumsfeld, clutching the head of Bob. "We had dreams of traveling the world together and starting our own vineyard someday. Now our dreams are splattered like a ketchup packet run over in a parking lot and I vow to find the bastard who killed him."

McDonald's Hamburglar was questioned and released. The body of BK Bob has yet to be recovered. Rumsfeld awoke yesterday morning to find Bob's head on a plate in his refrigerator next to an open can of Old Milwaukee and a half-eaten gas station burrito. Several teeth had been bashed in and the bleeding severed neck showed obvious signs of incomprehensible sexual abuse.

Reached by phone at his hillside compound in Plattsmouth, longtime acquaintance and frequent dog wagger B.C. had little to say of the death. "If you ask me I'd say he slipped on a banana peel," B.C. deadpanned. "Sounds like Bob put his pickle between one too many pair of buns and someone didn't like it."

Conflicting reports depict Bob's age as between 36 and 42 years of age. He is survived by his nephew Gary and four Chinese hairless cats. Funeral services will be tomorrow at the Burger King on 76th and Dodge in Omaha. Fries will remain at half price until sundown. B.C. will speak.

1960's "Baby Jesus and the Caballeros"

was a hit in Mexico

but never made it to U.S. theaters.

Don "Randy" Rumsfeld and new "boy toy"

BK Bob at a Super 8 in Tulsa.

Jerry has his own style and

no one can take that away from him.