The Bitch Is Back, Bitch! B.K. Bob Fries High On Success

Omaha (NE) - B.K. Bob, iconic fast food icon, philanthropist, gay rights activist, inventor, and registered sex offender, is back in the fry life again with a hot new look and business venture with budding entrepeneur and unapologetic life squatter B.C.

After years of seclusion in a gay nudist resort in Cabo, B.K. has re-emerged a new man, complete with a hot burger-themed style that is the talk of the Italian runways. "It's like a cross between Willy Wonka and Mayor McCheese" said Bob. "It came to me in a dream after an orgasmic evening greased with fry cook acne, pall malls, and a large helping of special sauce. The fries represent freedom and the sesame seeds, hope. The lettuce represents ass-sex."

B.K. Bob is also working on a secret business venture with all-around snake swinger B.C., who is rumored to be building a chain of topless funeral homes. "Some people say you can't sell sex and death together, but I say you can take anything and put tits on it," B.C. quipped, shifting his weight, hitching his thumb in his belt and focusing his gaze on a young couple playing grab ass in the Dairy Queen parking lot next door. "You find your wife dead in the bed next to you one morning, you're sad but you know what? You think about taking that old filly for one more trot before the clam dries up. The topless death market has no where to go but up."

The honey bears assembled at dawn and

slaughtered the jam lady around the corner.

Ben's hair was slowly sneaking away.

Warning: floor will not hold weight of adults.

New Crotch-Kicking Ranch!

Gina was cute except for that gum thing.

Krista tried too hard to impress her father.

Ralph's career as a Ragu distributor was short-lived.

Grover's battered relationship with Anderson Cooper left him 

solitary and despondent.

Beaker's legendary cocaine habit 

destroyed his dreams of singing on Broadway.

Stranded alone on a desert island,

Bohn quickly decided that clothing was optional.

"I'll take the redhead," said Ted.

Okay, I get the blow over to Mike, and..and..oh, man am I wasted. What's that? Is that a cop? No, no - it's cool. I am totally incognito.

Stompin' Tom Connors was a sun-soaked Irish tenor who loved 

beating the crap out of immigrants.

R.E.M.!  R.E.M.!  Stipe is God!

Pussy made $300 a night licking peanut butter.

Speak out against feline-special needs-masturbation disinformation!

So, Connie, thanks for answering the ad. Have you seen Double Parked I or II? 

Hook me up with your sister and I'll shave your coin purse. 

And the Grammy for Best 70s Spaceship Fiddle Album goes to...

Yes! Doug Kershaw! Devil's Elbow

Found in Frosty the Snowman's porn stash.

President-elect B.C. measures the White House drapes.

Oddly, Cindy's married name was much better than her 

maiden name, Cindy Knucklechildren.

"And then the King of England knighted me Sir Flamsy Flim Flam

 and we all dined on baby's breath and googly-eyed radishes."

Bert turned in his Marlboro Miles for a PBR casket.

Psycho and Larry's brilliant physics equations

revolutionized the way we think about the origins of the universe.

Hours later Whiskers blew himself up in a crowded dog park.

Ralph's career as an undercover cop was short-lived.

The band later fired Lisa for "not looking disinterested enough."

"Greg, you gotta stop smokin' pot, put down the Playstation,

and quit beating your pud like it owes you money."

That was the year that Paul went as

Ritchie Sambora's cock for Halloween.

Great Moments in Black History Part IV:

Curtis Briggs, the first token black guy.

Doug's telemarketing paycheck barely covered the

student loans for his theater degree.

Ronny Hubbard had a big dick and he knew it.

Xenu's Statue of Liberty audition went well, he thought.

Sandy's dreams of an all-night, all-you-can-eat

tuna casserole joint never came true.

...so that's how rich white guys like me will

always hold you back from achieving success.

The cotton candy is around the corner.

Brad liked to listen to Tom Sawyer by Rush

while he took pictures of himself in the mirror.

Later, in the alley behind the bar,

we thrashed John for years of air piano solos.

Jenny's pussy was immaculately groomed.

Christina's inability to mediate her dogs' breakup

was heartbreaking.

Jeff's fighting style was disarming.

Dirty dancing with Jackie was like

humping an incision for a liver transplant.

World's Sexiest F&B Man and Local

Pussy Snapper B.C. is Back on Top

Former gad-about-town is the toast of the Shmendricks

Omaha (NE) - Oft judged by many to be an unpredictable, leering jack-in-the-box bouncing on a crooked spring of success, former Plattsmouth gash farmer and local read-all-about-it B.C. is once again at the top of his game after a series of ups and devestating downs.

"What can I say?" B.C. smirked, pursing his lips and turning his head to the side. "They come to me. They say, B.C., we've got a problem and you're the only swingin' dick who can make it go away. And I sez to them, I sez, alright you cocksuckers, whatever it is you think you're going to pay me, double it. Then add some more. Then go home, have dinner with your family, watch a little TV, go to bed, and come in the next day with the brilliant idea of paying me even more. Then assemble that amount of money on a table, take a picture of it, and email it to me at ThatsStillNotEnough.com. No, better send it to payme@GetBent.edu.

Having evaded the limelight for months, B.C.'s sudden turn of success is baffling to some and long-overdue to others. In an interview with B.C.'s rarely public brother this week, the physician commented that "(B.C.) is displaying signs of alcohol withdrawl, porn addiction, and a false sense of well-being. He needs to go back to the club where I started my career and pay his dues by shaving backs. Then he needs to check out the tits and make a decision."

B.C. has also been seen partying around town at some of Omaha's hottest underground nightclubs like Club Gary and V. Trendy with a fair-skinned Laurel lookalike who's into activity dates and deep kissing. B.C. dismisses the relationship as, "another girl whose heart picked up what B.C. is laying down."

Jeff considered Randall's offer to cup his balls.

Cindy's sense of humor and winning personality
made Greg overlook the fact that she was a tube steak.

Bruce nailed last year's Christmas card photo.

Randy Judkins: Edutainment for Everyone

Ernie snapped the tiger's neck, thumped his chest,

and slowly, determinedly defiled the corpse.

Jeff's style was like Dave Matthews meets complete crap.

Paul had to get the taste of box out of his mouth.

What the 14 year-old girl you're having Internet sex with

really looks like.

This time the most embarassing thing about Rick wasn't his hair.

The most kick-ass movie poster ever.

It started with a few friends playing hacky-sack at the park,

then someone pulled out a piano and started playing.

Next thing you know we had an impromptu jam session.

Scott liked to wear his glossy blue baseball jacket and

roam the neighborhood stomping kittens.

Joyce's artful blend of hip-hop and trance was a

simmering stew of love, angst, and understanding.

Undated photo of George Burn's father before he was lynched.

Later, Tim took Lisa upstairs and

dropped his fluid like a chemist.

I just met you and already I hate you.

Exhibitionist Vegan Beastiality porn is hot in Asia.

Jill brought a photographer to the party to take

pictures of her with cool people.

Ling's squirrel heritage was something she didn't like to talk about.

Randy panicked and dropped his make-shift banana gun.

The robbery was foiled.

Scraps wasn't into PDA but it made Lisa happy.

'Yes, that's right, turn and stare,' he thought.

'Chin, you're a marketing genius.'

Rook to bishop eight? Godammit Darla this is

after school chess club, start freakin' acting like it!

Did ya' here about Phil? Half a can of

Pet Menu dog food and he's dead on the floor.

The timing of Keith yelling and

the bird crapping couldn't have been worse.

Awe geez man, I'm just out here living the dream, you know?

Foggy from the drugs, the bride

vaguely remembered the kidnapping.

The good news, Billy my boy, is that

I only gave you herpes.

Every group photo has one person

looking the wrong direction.

Kick The Daushand is the most popular sport in Bulgaria.

Sarah was never good at first impressions.

Russ's American Idol audition tape sucked ass.

Eddie regretted starting the riot.

Jesus dude, this pot is really seedy.

Cameron Randall, professional party crasher.

As he plunged to his death,

Ben realized the bummer side of atheism.

The Night Watchmen's 2nd album,

"White Glove / Dark Knight" sold 40 million copies.

Tuesday night is Bitches' Night at Frank's dog bar.

Finishing touches are put on DisneyWorld's

latest attraction, "Otto Rath's Wild Ride."

Lenny's first kiss was awkward at best.

Rex quickly ate the vomit before anyone

at the orgy noticed what had happened.

Yoshi felt like a hot shot in his new

middle upper sleep pod.

The giant girl sat down, lifted one leg, and
let out a ground-rumbling queef.

Randy had worse jobs in his life, but not many.

Hu Hai kissed the Snake King and proclaimed, "Thank you
for saving my people. You will make a...fine belt."

Having been separated at birth, Lee and Gary

stared at each other in stunned amazement.

Rhonda was fugly, but not quite pug fugly.

Great Big's new t-shirt

Bob donates head to science;

ends up on horror movie set.

In high school, Laurie was fairly unpopular.

Ralph got shit-faced on dog water and

puked all over the rug in the entryway.

BK BOB MURDERED!

Rumsfeld vows to find killer

Omaha (NE) - Burger King spokesman, beloved children's entertainer and passionate gay rights activist BK Bob, recently linked romantically to former Chairman of Defense Donald "Randy" Rumsfeld, was found dead yesterday, decapitated in what appears to be cold blooded murder.

"Bob was like a teacher, a mother, a secret lover to me," proclaimed a visibly upset Rumsfeld, clutching the head of Bob. "We had dreams of traveling the world together and starting our own vineyard someday. Now our dreams are splattered like a ketchup packet run over in a parking lot and I vow to find the bastard who killed him."

McDonald's Hamburglar was questioned and released. The body of BK Bob has yet to be recovered. Rumsfeld awoke yesterday morning to find Bob's head on a plate in his refrigerator next to an open can of Old Milwaukee and a half-eaten gas station burrito. Several teeth had been bashed in and the bleeding severed neck showed obvious signs of incomprehensible sexual abuse.

Reached by phone at his hillside compound in Plattsmouth, longtime acquaintance and frequent dog wagger B.C. had little to say of the death. "If you ask me I'd say he slipped on a banana peel," B.C. deadpanned. "Sounds like Bob put his pickle between one too many pair of buns and someone didn't like it."

Conflicting reports depict Bob's age as between 36 and 42 years of age. He is survived by his nephew Gary and four Chinese hairless cats. Funeral services will be tomorrow at the Burger King on 76th and Dodge in Omaha. Fries will remain at half price until sundown. B.C. will speak.

1960's "Baby Jesus and the Caballeros"

was a hit in Mexico

but never made it to U.S. theaters.

Don "Randy" Rumsfeld and new "boy toy"

BK Bob at a Super 8 in Tulsa.

Jerry has his own style and

no one can take that away from him.

Friends remembered Tom as a friendly,

gracious turkey that couldn't run very fast.

Jesus was so money

and he didn't even know it.

Too heavy to be lifted by the claw,

Bradley eventually died of starvation.

In his final years, Ed Bradley was

virtually unrecognizable.

The burka of the 21st Century.

Dump Burger Makes Big Splash

B.K. Concentrates On Squeezing Out Success

Plattsmouth (NE) - The first order of business for new Burger King CEO B.C. was the re-introduction of B.K.'s short-lived Bathroom Burger, now renamed the Dump Burger/Dump Burger with Cheese and splattered with ropey strands of tangy stool sauce.

"I didn't get to where I am today by beating off to pie charts," said a defiant B.C. to a group of reporters outside of his reclusive Plattsmouth, Nebraska compound. "You may drive a new Taurus to work and wear shirts with number sizes instead of name sizes like LARGE, but that don't mean you know shit about restroom cuisine," B.C. said, grasping his chin with one hand and the back of his head with the other and quickly jerking it to one side, emitting a sound like someone snapped a celery stick in half.

B.C.'s second order of business was to fill a bed pan full of greasy quarters and send it to Ronald McDonald with a note reading, "Put a quarter in your ass 'cause the Big Mac is played out." Then B.C. paid somebody to shoot McDonald's mother in the knee caps.

Hey baby...want some hot retarded clown wig action?

Call me at 1-900-Up-Clown. only $3.99 per minute

In her final years, Katherine Hepburn was

virtually unrecognizable.

Hans liked to play accordian for his

victims before he ate their genitalia.

The roving gang of Uncle Sams

left Sergey feeling weak

yet genuinely patriotic.

Though the patient died,

Bob's first amateur surgery was a

thrilling milestone in his life.

The pigs loved Ottowa but were

tired of hearing "canadian bacon" jokes.

Jim's friends were surprisingly supportive of his relationship.

Joel was so rich,

his umbrella was a guy named Jake.

Being the daughter of a Mary Kay agent means

you get all the crap no one else would buy.

Rob hated his job.

The hours were long, the work was difficult,

and it was nearly impossible to breathe.

The day Juan reunited with his father

was the happiest day of his life.

Abe got burned on his

"I'll shine any shoe for $3" special.

THE BITCH IS BACK

BK welcomes back beloved spokesman for launch of gay burger

Plattsmouth (NE) - The two biggest moments of BK Bob's life happened yesterday: his longtime companion and personal manager Steve got down on one knee and proposed; the other, when fast food giant Burger King called him at home and offered him a job.

"They said they were launching a new gay-themed menu item called the Homo Burger and they wanted me to represent it," a beaming Bob reported. "The ironic part was that they didn't even know I was queer - I was in the closet - and chose me purely on the virtues of my child molestation case. I guess I appeal to the "Perv" demographic. The fact that I'm gay is just lube on the rim so to speak."

The Homo Burger was the inspiration of BK's marketing guru, a guy in Plattsmouth named B.C. "Pink buns, hot meat, ropey strands of mayo all over the damn thing. That's a gay goddamn burger, I don't care who you are," said B.C., lifting his arm over his head and scratching the middle of his back. "But they got the name all wrong. Backdoor Burger. Pow. Fags running, walking, crab walking to their nearest Burger King. Homo Burger?" B.C. said with a sneer. "Those fatcats up at corporate need to stop giving each other Texas Chili Bowls and shut up and mail me some more food discounts."

Rumsfeld's "Keg Bong 3000"

was a huge hit at the barbecue.

Though the eye people could see for miles,

they couldn't hear worth a damn.

Joe's dad was kind of a prick.

The other scientists scoffed,

but Dr. Jenkins' bait was sure to draw out

the mighty Big Foot.

It was too late when Robert realized that

Annie was the assassin he'd been warned about.

In his final years, Don Knotts was virtually unrecognizable.

Next to anyone else,

Brad would have been "the gay one."

Happy Fourth of July!

In retrospect,

it was funny how no one noticed when

Muhammed started attending the meetings.

B.K. Bob Acquitted; Arby's, Long John Silvers Fight To Ink Deal

Editor's Note: This story is part of the long-running saga of BK Bob. Start from the beginning by clicking here.

Omaha (NE) - World famous Burger King Bob, seen on televisions around the globe and caught up in highly publicized on-again off-again romance with actress Kyra Sedgewick, was acquitted today of child molestation charges. Absent of his usual toothy grin, a visibly relieved Bob exited the courtroom and stepped into a bidding war between fast food giants for use of his likeness in future ad campaigns.

"I'd rather be flame broiled than go to the joint again," Bob says, eyeing a group of small children playing nearby. In the late 1980s, B.K. Bob spent three years at the Oklahoma State penitentiary after being convicted of smuggling counterfeit Disney Happy Meal toys into Arkansas. "I realize now that I can't keep ordering the kids meals," Bob laments.

Bob and the Burger King have been seen partying in every major city from Paris to Tokyo, often waking up with a different girl every morning. "One time, the King and I woke up with each other," Bob admits. "There were fries all over the bed and the room smelled like a combination of ketchup and asshole. But that's better than the time I passed out at Mayor McCheese's and the Hamburglar had his way with me. I still can't eat pickles without needing to take a shit."

Bob is currently in talks with Arby's and Long John Silvers to take on spokesperson duties at one of the fast food conglomerates. Though he could go either way, Bob indicates that he may secretly have a preference in mind. "I'm a big fan of fried food. Fried food and naughty little girls left alone in the play area while their parents order it. Yum." Bob says.

Paul suddenly realized

what a pussy he'd turned out to be.

Cocktopus

The sexiest creature in the sea

Barney was a happy-go-lucky dog on the outside;

on the inside, he was a maniacal racist child molester.

"For the last time: When Gonzo and I get the

'all-clear' from the butterfly pixies, General McDonald will pull the troops out of Iraq.

Jesus you people just don't get it."

Walter was a muppet humper

from way back.

Bob worried that his arrest

on child pornography charges

might affect his career as

Burger King spokesperson.

To continue reading the saga of B.K. Bob click here.

$35 for a bong?

I'll break this fucking water pipe

over your greasy hippy head you

goddamn punk!

BK Smells Success

With New Menu Item

Will BK's New Bathroom Burger Sink or Float?

Omaha (NE) - This week Burger King introduced a controversial new menu item, the BK Bathroom Burger, to mixed reviews.

With a toilet seat shaped bun, beef patty, swiss cheese, and tangy Stool Sauce, the unusual burger comes with a twist: it's actually grilled, assembled and served right in the restrooms.

"Some people said a toilet-themed burger would actually nauseate our customer base," said head of Burger King marketing Hoot McCall. "But at Burger King, we don't listen to a big ad agency to tell us what our customers like. We leave that to a guy in Plattsmouth, Nebraska named B.C."

"Yeah I came up with the idea, although the name they picked sucks ass," B.C. said, sucking his teeth and looking up at the sky. "If you ask me, the marketing writes itself on this baby. Just call it the Dump Burger. Boom, you're done. I guess those suits from corporate can suck my balls on this one. But they paid me in food discounts, so that ain't so bad."

To continue reading the saga of B.K. Bob click here.

Randy loved the job

but disagreed with the paint scheme.

Masturbating Moonshiner Explodes In Ball Of Fire

Naked Flaming B.C. Races Through Downtown Plattsmouth

Plattsmouth (NE) - Local flapjacker and purported ugly bumper B.C. was severely injured yesterday when an illegal still he constructed out of a garden hose, a fishtank, and several badly worn pocket pussies exploded in a ball of fire that could be seen as far away as Glenwood.

B.C. was attempting to produce a crude variety of moonshine by fermenting lime wedges and uneaten martini olives he scavenged from his job at a local country club. Turned on by the sight of his clandestine pocket pussy moonshine operation, B.C. stripped naked, turned on his CD of Sade and Jim Brickman covering Anita Baker songs, and began oiling himself down with his horny anxious hands.

After several minutes of intense slinky grasping, B.C. became so sexually excited that he walked over to the still and began humping not the exhausted pocket pussies but instead the mash of pulpy gray slurry of lime wedges and olive carcasses. Suddenly, the friction of B.C. violently pumping the slimy fermenting mixture caused the entire mess to burst into flames, quickly engulfing B.C.'s chest, arms and throbbing member.

Despite being on fire, B.C. continued masturbating until he achieved orgasm, then took off running down River Road (past a half mile of cool, flame retardant river water) to downtown Plattsmouth where he found a liquor store that could both extinguish the flames and sell him a handle of Cutty Sark. No one was severly injured in the accident.

Have some lunch!

This time
there was no doubt
in Tom's mind;
his psychedelic egg recipe
was a success.

Kyle knew his Mom was crazy

when she started

stabbing his shadow in the forehead.

A scene from a

recent Republican funraiser

PEDRO GRANTED CITIZENSHIP

"Please, take my testicles,

just let me stay in America, eh?"

What's

with

Tom Hank's

hair

on this

new

movie?

No Frills Saves You Money!

You are now a soldier

in the army of Christopher Robin.

Enjoy Disney World!

Warehouse Worker Dies In Freak Chess Accident

Omaha (NE) - Local warehouse worker and tooth sucker Larry Morgensen was killed today when a pallet of travel chess computers fell off the top of a three-story rack and crushed him. Many co-workers expressed similar sentiments: Larry was a happy-go-lucky guy who never had a beef with anyone (except for that Derr guy in the office).

"You don't know what it's like in the warehouse," said Larry's co-worker and friend, Bud. "One time I had a truckload of globe balls come rollin' down the aisle at me. I started running like Indiana Jones but they overcame me and I was knocked to the ground. Those raised relief globes, the ones that show the bumps of the mountains? Those fuckers hurt."

Funeral services for Larry will be held this Saturday at dock 8 down at the warehouse. Complimentary bologna and american cheese tray will be provided. Josh Derr will speak.

MARTIANS ATTACK EARTH!

Turns out they are little green men, but who knew they were pole smokers?

Warehouse Worker Kicks

Office Guy's Ass

Shouldn't Have Talked Shit About

The Swing Shift

Omaha (NE) - Over-worked, under-paid, and exhausted from slinging "candle bras" (candelabras), Larry Morgensen reached the end of his rope. He snapped.

Earlier today, Larry screeched into the parking lot of his employer's corporate office in his '88 Lumina, loped into the lobby and announced "I'm Larry from the warehouse motherfucker and I'm going to kick your motherfuckin' ass!" The day before, Larry's supervisor Bob had written him up (again) for miscounting rooks.

"Me and Bud are going to fucking shit your fucking up!" Larry yelled as he ran towards a group of terrified cube farmers. With a crazed look in his eyes he yelped "I'm from the ware-house motherfucker!" and punched Josh Derr in the face. He then began circling the shocked coworkers, swinging in circles what appeared to be a sack full of doorknobs.

"I don't need this shit," Larry screamed. "You don't know what it's like in the warehouse motherfucker. It's 115 fucking degree in there. I can weld, I can saute, I can fucking lay carpet man, I don't need this shit. Hell with that, man, hell with that."

After several minutes intimidating the office workers, Larry reached into his pocket for his soft pack of Camels and realized he had left them in the Lumina. He dropped the doorknobs and backed out of the lobby door, pointing at the people and yelling, "Fuck all you guys. You don't know what what it's like in the warehouse.

The microwave in our break room is from 1977 motherfucker, that things got no buttons, just one big dial, and the timer's broken so you gotta stand there and watch your burrito cook. One time, this guy Randy, he forgot about his burrito and the burrito caught on fire and Rick tried to put out the fire but he couldn't so we all snuck out and pretended like it wasn't us but then Bud got caught red-handed walking out of the break room and Bob said he'd kick him down to Returns if he didn't fess up so Bud told Bob that Randy had done it and Bob told Randy that he was gonna have to print out packing slips for two weeks. That fucker was pissed off!"

Host So Gay

He Bursts Into Flames

E! Network Reportedly Dirty With

Knob Gobblers

Blasted By Critics,

Rumsfeld Smokes A Bowl

Click this link at your own risk.

(I'm not kidding)

http://www.winternet.com/~redright/graffix/holeshots/bighol06rr.jpg

OFF THE WAGON

Ultra Lush B.C. Assaults Jimmy Buffett

Cricket Pavilion - Phoenix (AZ) - Local drunk and slinky handler B.C., after being on the wagon for close to two years, blew it all yesterday at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Phoenix.

After waking at 5:00am the morning of the show and downing a fifth of vodka, B.C. drove to a local liquor store and bought 50lbs of ice and 15 cases of beer. He then dumped the ice into the back seat of his parents' Mercedes and piled the cans of beer on top of it, literally creating a giant drivable beer cooler. Next he drove to the parking lot of the Cricket Pavilion around 8:30am and sat in his car alone pounding beers until the show started.

Once inside the concert grounds, B.C. was a stumbling mess, walking through people's blankets and puking on small children. At one point in the show, Buffett called to the crowd "Fins up!" and B.C. became suddenly enraged, throwing a full bottle of Jose Cuervo at Buffett's head. Security personnel dragged B.C. out of the venue screaming "Fins down motherf@#ker , fins down!"

There are 252 image results for the words "purple monkey dishwasher" on Google.
http://images.google.com/images?svnum=50&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&rls=WZPA%2CWZPA%3A2005-25%2CWZPA%3Aen&q=purple+monkey+dishwasher&btnG=Search

As badly as Leonard needed a job, he decided to keep looking.

Tasty or Tasteless?

Burger King's Controversial Easter Menu

Omaha (NE) - In an effort to boost spring sales figures, Burger King has introduced a controversial new menu item that has got animal lovers hopping mad.

"Ask the naysayers, ask them: have you tried it?" says Plattsmouth dandelion swinger and all around big boy B.C. "It's freakin' awesome. The bunny meat is so tender that you'd swear it was squirrelgrade or better; it's like an orgy in your mouth," he said hungrily. "And you're donkey punching that rabbit carcass and the mustard is running down your face like a $20 whore in an Ed Powers video. It's really hot."

To continue the saga of B.K. Bob, click here.

100% Cotton
Pre-Shrunk
Mens Size XL
List Price: $14.99
Our Price: $5.97

WANTED

Dave Williams

aka The Prep School Poker

Omaha (NE) - Rosy cheeks and neatly trimmed dark brown hair. Shaggy look-alike beatnik slacker. Black 70's R&B singer. Devoted yoga guru. These are the many disguises of suspected water polo buggerer and compulsive leg squeezer Dave Williams, aka The Prep School Poker. And he's on the run again, eluding authorities and living life...on the lamb.

"I'll be the first to admit it," says former student P. McCarthy, "when Dave would disappear under the water, we all got a little nervous. More than once I felt large hands on my buttocks. And come to think of it, the water in the pool always seemed a bit more viscous when Dave was there. Oh god, I'm going to be sick."

This is one of a hundred chilling tales of buggery stretching across the country and spanning two decades. Today, Dave Williams lives a free man. Where will his next towel-snapping incident be? Why is his daughter hot in a bookish molestee sort of way? Who will his next victim be? Help us put The Poker in prison. Call Crimestoppers if you have any information.

America's Aging Squirrel Crisis

Storing Nuts No Longer Enough

Omaha (NE) - All you have to do is look around and the evidence that Squirrels are living to record ages these days is abundant.

You can't walk down the sidewalk without tripping over a squirrel. Neighborhoods are blanketed with squirrels. They've replaced rats as the animals "most likely to stream out of sewers." Even opening your front door and pushing a swath through the sea of squirrels on your front porch can be a difficult task. And this is just the beginning.

Elderly squirrels now account for a full 2/3 of the swelling squirrel population. No longer able to gather their own nuts, these aging rodents rely on nesting with their offspring. The adult children are generally put-out by the presence of their parents in the nests and the squirrels often bicker about the burden of now having to now gather nuts for four.

"Have you priced one of those tiny walkers lately?" asks the squirrel we interviewed for this story. "They're expensive as hell. Where do you even get one of those things? I had to find a used one on the Internet and it came without the tennis ball feet. I had to pit a couple of green olives and use those instead. Now Mom smells like a urine-tini."

Older Teachers Get Facelifts

To Compete

For Underage Boys

Omaha (NE) - There's no denying it: headlines around the country are proclaiming that older teachers are having sexual escapades with underage students. It's all the rage. And it's every boy's wet dream.

The hot teacher with the perky tits and the see-through blouse (it's awesome when she stands in front of the window in profile when the sun is beaming in) who asks you to stay after school and then takes you back to her apartment in her Honda Civic and gives you dirty, freaky sex like the kind you saw in your uncle's porno stash under the stairs when he stayed in your parents' basement for six months back in the 70s. She gives you a rusty trombone and you return the favor with a dirty sanchez and a Cleveland steamer (intended to be a Texas chili bowl but got out of hand).

I digress. What? Uh...errr so yeah the old teachers and the young students. So anyway, as the female teachers get older, it becomes more difficult for them to compete with the young hot teachers, so they're getting facelifts--ah, you see where this is going. Pictured above is 68 year-old Janice Wilborn of Mesa, Arizona, showing off her new facelift.

Man Breeds Giant Dog
Neighborhood Children Disappearing

Omaha (NE) - Mixing new breeds of dogs is fashionable these days, with unusual combinations such as Labrapoos, Pitzus, and Doberman Shepherds commanding top dollar at kennels across the country. That's what compelled Omaha native Doug Henry to set out on the ambitious task of breeding the world's first giant dog.
"In the beginning we drew a lot of media attention and were guests on every television show from Leno to The Joy of Painting," Henry reminisces. "It was an amazing story. But eventually we became yesterday's news and suddenly the dog food sponsorships and enormous chew toy donations dried up. Coincidentally, that's when the children began disappearing."
As child after child mysteriously disappeared, Omahans began to keep their children indoors, playgrounds grew deserted, and Henry's giant dog became the prime suspect.

"The freakin' dog actually had bows and pieces of backpack stuck in its teeth," says neighbor Randy Jones. "And still, people were like, 'Oh no, not the giant dog, it's such a sweetheart'. I was like, are you crazy? Little shoes pepper that dog's shit like undigested corn niblets."

Omaha Native Josh Derr Named
World's Most Ineligible Bachelor

Omaha (NE) - In a stunning and rare public statement today, the entire female human race announced that "a consensus has been reached that Omaha native Josh Derr is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most undesirable single male on the planet."

The group cited a laundry list of reasons to back up their claim, including (but not limited to) Derr's disgustingly flabby, pale physique, his status as a single father of three boys, a 1994 vasectomy preventing him from creating new babies, an deplorable credit rating including a bankruptcy and car reposession, a bullshit Bachelor's of Science degree in Film, pungent foot fungus, an inability to swim, mild herpes, excessive nose picking, drug addiction, and generally poor yard maintenance.

"We felt strongly that we needed speak as one and enlighten those that are fooled by Derr's pearly smile and occasional wit," a spokesman for every woman on earth said. "We feel confident that Josh Derr is a fungus toed bottom feeding film slacker and we want to make sure that everyone puts it in his face as much as possible."

SHOCKING REVELATION!

More Mexicans Making Mongolian Beef

Anytown (USA) - Next time you go out for Chinese food, take a close look behind the counter: more and more cooks at Chinese restaurants are not even remotely Chinese. They are, in fact, Mexican immigrants.

So many Mexican-Americans have integrated into the Chinese-American culture that a new ethnicity term has been invented for their offspring: Chinesicans. Many Chinesicans (also commonly referred to as "Chans") have been quietly populating our cities and suburbs for decades. Now experts are saying that they represent a full 75% of Americans, followed by a distant 20% Caucasians.

"I love Chinesicans," said Stacey Rodriquez of San Francisco, California. "My husband Hu Ernesto is a Chan. They're super fun people, they're smart, they're funny, they're hard working, and they can cook the shit out of some Chinese food. But where did they all come from all of a sudden? It was like, one day it was the White Fifties and you wake up one morning and it's the Chan Oughts. "

Oates Crashes Oscars, Hall Quits The Band

Naked Oates High On Meth, Morning After Pills

Hollywood (CA) - Eighties rocker John Oates, after consuming a mind-numbing cocktail of crank, Robitussun, and a mouthful of morning after pills, stormed the red carpet Sunday, naked as a jay bird and stumbling around muttering "Fuck Hall, fuck Hall" over and over and over again.

He arrived at the Oscars clinging to the back bumper of Hillary Swank's limousine. As the limo rolled up to the Kodak theater in Hollywood, Oates jumped from the back bumper, bear crawled under the legs of two security guards, and ran down the red carpet yelling back "You're out of time biatch!"

When asked about the incident later, Swank said, "I saw Oates jump on the bumper back on the freeway on ramp outside of San Bernadino. At first I was going to have the driver stop and shoo him away, but then I figured Why stop? He'll lose his grip eventually. But you've got to hand it to him - he clung to the back of that limo like a baby monkey clinging to his mother's back."

Oates was later arrested and then released to the care of a forgiving Daryl Hall, who said, "It's no secret that Oates is a douche bag. Do I need to say any more?"

Man Who Ate Self Gets New Lease On Life

Torso Guy Scores Big On Plane Crash Tragedy

Omaha(NE)- Freakish local Head and Torso and purported midnight toker B.C. got a new lease on life yesterday after a plane carrying a gay model, a bodybuilder, Canadian porn star Christine Young, and local crap band 3 Day Meat Sale crashed in a field outside of Plattsmouth.

The plane, piloted by local moron G.W. Venteicher, was carrying the passengers to the grand re-opening of Moby Dick water park next to I-80 Interstate. B.C. was among the first to arrive at the scene. Surveying the limb-strewn field before him, he decided that he could use the severed body parts to replace those that he had cannablized from his own body months before.

Using nothing more than some 12 guage speaker wire, a moist towlette and an upholstery grade sewing machine, B.C. successfully wove the new flesh to his torso and head, doing such a fine job that even his own mother couldn't tell the difference. But...why the breast?

"I'm all about the tig 'ole bitties," B.C. proclaims proudly. "Plus the tit acts as a kick stand when I sleep on my side at night. It's really quite comfortable."

Man Eats Own Body

Now Just A Torso And Head

Omaha (NE) - Local chain smoker and gad-about-town B.C. refused to buy groceries. Broke and weary from chronic masturbation, he resorted to pilfering his parents' cabinets for food. When that supply ran out, he took to eating condiments, coffee grounds, and uncooked spiral pasta. And when the well ran dry, B.C. turned to the last option he had: he began eating himself.

"At first it was out of necessity, to stay alive. Then it became a sexual thing. Before I knew it, I had roast foot in one hand and my dick in the other."

Before he knew it, B.C. had eaten every inch of flesh he could reach with his horny cannabalistic mouth and was left with nothing but his torso, the stump where his scrotum used to be, and his head (minus the lips).

These days, B.C. can frequently be seen darting around the streets of Plattsmouth in the specially designed tricycle he had made, steering with his teeth and braking with his scrot stump. He's always full of good cheer and often will mouth the words "Remember kids - don't eat yourself" with his gaping lipless orifice.

B.C.: our Omaha's Own award winner for March 1st.

Is it real? You decide: http://www.trosch.org/lif/cannibalism.html

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Thinkin' how could I live without you by my side

Then I spent so many nights wondering how you done me wrong

I grew strong

I learned how to get along

And now you're back from outer space

I walked in to find you here with that look upon your face

I should have changed my fucking locks

I would have made you leave your key

If I had know for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Now, go, walk out the door

Don't turn around now

You're not welcome anymore

Tastes good on the bun.

Tastes...

good on the bun.

Tastes

Tastes

Tastes Tastes Tastes Tastes

Tastes

Good good good good

Good on the bun

my style is gushy like a hooker's pussy.

-- Shakespeare

blow

fishsticks

I just skimmed my previous post and realized that today I completely forgot about the asian bird flu and now I couldn't care less. See how that works? Then BAM, one day your skin is turning ashen and your eyes are bugging out and you're walking around in a cold sweat with a disease that mutates so fast that they can't make an effective antibiotic to cure it.

But that's down the road, so...

Fishstick of Wisdom:

Stay away from chicken nuggets,

or we all going to die of asian bird flu. It's going to be like that book The Stand. It's going to threaten the very foundation of mankind's existence on this planet. It will spread across every continent, every ethnic group, every level of society. And we're all going to wish we had paid closer attention to it in the beginning. Even Bush is clued in on it! That fact will provoke a collective societal groan when the reality of the epidemic sets in.

Even Bush knew we were screwed. It was the one time we should have listened to him. Now the streets are choked with the dead and the dying. It makes post-Katrina New Orleans look like a Sandals resort.

So either live it up now or head for the hills.

Check this out:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/conditions/02/15/birdflu.cost/index.html