Ralph got shit-faced on dog water and

puked all over the rug in the entryway.

BK BOB MURDERED!

Rumsfeld vows to find killer

Omaha (NE) - Burger King spokesman, beloved children's entertainer and passionate gay rights activist BK Bob, recently linked romantically to former Chairman of Defense Donald "Randy" Rumsfeld, was found dead yesterday, decapitated in what appears to be cold blooded murder.

"Bob was like a teacher, a mother, a secret lover to me," proclaimed a visibly upset Rumsfeld, clutching the head of Bob. "We had dreams of traveling the world together and starting our own vineyard someday. Now our dreams are splattered like a ketchup packet run over in a parking lot and I vow to find the bastard who killed him."

McDonald's Hamburglar was questioned and released. The body of BK Bob has yet to be recovered. Rumsfeld awoke yesterday morning to find Bob's head on a plate in his refrigerator next to an open can of Old Milwaukee and a half-eaten gas station burrito. Several teeth had been bashed in and the bleeding severed neck showed obvious signs of incomprehensible sexual abuse.

Reached by phone at his hillside compound in Plattsmouth, longtime acquaintance and frequent dog wagger B.C. had little to say of the death. "If you ask me I'd say he slipped on a banana peel," B.C. deadpanned. "Sounds like Bob put his pickle between one too many pair of buns and someone didn't like it."

Conflicting reports depict Bob's age as between 36 and 42 years of age. He is survived by his nephew Gary and four Chinese hairless cats. Funeral services will be tomorrow at the Burger King on 76th and Dodge in Omaha. Fries will remain at half price until sundown. B.C. will speak.

1960's "Baby Jesus and the Caballeros"

was a hit in Mexico

but never made it to U.S. theaters.

Don "Randy" Rumsfeld and new "boy toy"

BK Bob at a Super 8 in Tulsa.

Jerry has his own style and

no one can take that away from him.

Friends remembered Tom as a friendly,

gracious turkey that couldn't run very fast.

Jesus was so money

and he didn't even know it.

Too heavy to be lifted by the claw,

Bradley eventually died of starvation.

In his final years, Ed Bradley was

virtually unrecognizable.

The burka of the 21st Century.

Dump Burger Makes Big Splash

B.K. Concentrates On Squeezing Out Success

Plattsmouth (NE) - The first order of business for new Burger King CEO B.C. was the re-introduction of B.K.'s short-lived Bathroom Burger, now renamed the Dump Burger/Dump Burger with Cheese and splattered with ropey strands of tangy stool sauce.

"I didn't get to where I am today by beating off to pie charts," said a defiant B.C. to a group of reporters outside of his reclusive Plattsmouth, Nebraska compound. "You may drive a new Taurus to work and wear shirts with number sizes instead of name sizes like LARGE, but that don't mean you know shit about restroom cuisine," B.C. said, grasping his chin with one hand and the back of his head with the other and quickly jerking it to one side, emitting a sound like someone snapped a celery stick in half.

B.C.'s second order of business was to fill a bed pan full of greasy quarters and send it to Ronald McDonald with a note reading, "Put a quarter in your ass 'cause the Big Mac is played out." Then B.C. paid somebody to shoot McDonald's mother in the knee caps.

Hey baby...want some hot retarded clown wig action?

Call me at 1-900-Up-Clown. only $3.99 per minute

In her final years, Katherine Hepburn was

virtually unrecognizable.

Hans liked to play accordian for his

victims before he ate their genitalia.

The roving gang of Uncle Sams

left Sergey feeling weak

yet genuinely patriotic.

Though the patient died,

Bob's first amateur surgery was a

thrilling milestone in his life.

The pigs loved Ottowa but were

tired of hearing "canadian bacon" jokes.

Jim's friends were surprisingly supportive of his relationship.

Joel was so rich,

his umbrella was a guy named Jake.

Being the daughter of a Mary Kay agent means

you get all the crap no one else would buy.

Rob hated his job.

The hours were long, the work was difficult,

and it was nearly impossible to breathe.

The day Juan reunited with his father

was the happiest day of his life.

Abe got burned on his

"I'll shine any shoe for $3" special.

THE BITCH IS BACK

BK welcomes back beloved spokesman for launch of gay burger

Plattsmouth (NE) - The two biggest moments of BK Bob's life happened yesterday: his longtime companion and personal manager Steve got down on one knee and proposed; the other, when fast food giant Burger King called him at home and offered him a job.

"They said they were launching a new gay-themed menu item called the Homo Burger and they wanted me to represent it," a beaming Bob reported. "The ironic part was that they didn't even know I was queer - I was in the closet - and chose me purely on the virtues of my child molestation case. I guess I appeal to the "Perv" demographic. The fact that I'm gay is just lube on the rim so to speak."

The Homo Burger was the inspiration of BK's marketing guru, a guy in Plattsmouth named B.C. "Pink buns, hot meat, ropey strands of mayo all over the damn thing. That's a gay goddamn burger, I don't care who you are," said B.C., lifting his arm over his head and scratching the middle of his back. "But they got the name all wrong. Backdoor Burger. Pow. Fags running, walking, crab walking to their nearest Burger King. Homo Burger?" B.C. said with a sneer. "Those fatcats up at corporate need to stop giving each other Texas Chili Bowls and shut up and mail me some more food discounts."

Rumsfeld's "Keg Bong 3000"

was a huge hit at the barbecue.

Though the eye people could see for miles,

they couldn't hear worth a damn.

Joe's dad was kind of a prick.

The other scientists scoffed,

but Dr. Jenkins' bait was sure to draw out

the mighty Big Foot.

It was too late when Robert realized that

Annie was the assassin he'd been warned about.

In his final years, Don Knotts was virtually unrecognizable.

Next to anyone else,

Brad would have been "the gay one."

Happy Fourth of July!

In retrospect,

it was funny how no one noticed when

Muhammed started attending the meetings.

B.K. Bob Acquitted; Arby's, Long John Silvers Fight To Ink Deal

Editor's Note: This story is part of the long-running saga of BK Bob. Start from the beginning by clicking here.

Omaha (NE) - World famous Burger King Bob, seen on televisions around the globe and caught up in highly publicized on-again off-again romance with actress Kyra Sedgewick, was acquitted today of child molestation charges. Absent of his usual toothy grin, a visibly relieved Bob exited the courtroom and stepped into a bidding war between fast food giants for use of his likeness in future ad campaigns.

"I'd rather be flame broiled than go to the joint again," Bob says, eyeing a group of small children playing nearby. In the late 1980s, B.K. Bob spent three years at the Oklahoma State penitentiary after being convicted of smuggling counterfeit Disney Happy Meal toys into Arkansas. "I realize now that I can't keep ordering the kids meals," Bob laments.

Bob and the Burger King have been seen partying in every major city from Paris to Tokyo, often waking up with a different girl every morning. "One time, the King and I woke up with each other," Bob admits. "There were fries all over the bed and the room smelled like a combination of ketchup and asshole. But that's better than the time I passed out at Mayor McCheese's and the Hamburglar had his way with me. I still can't eat pickles without needing to take a shit."

Bob is currently in talks with Arby's and Long John Silvers to take on spokesperson duties at one of the fast food conglomerates. Though he could go either way, Bob indicates that he may secretly have a preference in mind. "I'm a big fan of fried food. Fried food and naughty little girls left alone in the play area while their parents order it. Yum." Bob says.

Paul suddenly realized

what a pussy he'd turned out to be.

Cocktopus

The sexiest creature in the sea

Barney was a happy-go-lucky dog on the outside;

on the inside, he was a maniacal racist child molester.

"For the last time: When Gonzo and I get the

'all-clear' from the butterfly pixies, General McDonald will pull the troops out of Iraq.

Jesus you people just don't get it."

Walter was a muppet humper

from way back.

Bob worried that his arrest

on child pornography charges

might affect his career as

Burger King spokesperson.

To continue reading the saga of B.K. Bob click here.

$35 for a bong?

I'll break this fucking water pipe

over your greasy hippy head you

goddamn punk!

BK Smells Success

With New Menu Item

Will BK's New Bathroom Burger Sink or Float?

Omaha (NE) - This week Burger King introduced a controversial new menu item, the BK Bathroom Burger, to mixed reviews.

With a toilet seat shaped bun, beef patty, swiss cheese, and tangy Stool Sauce, the unusual burger comes with a twist: it's actually grilled, assembled and served right in the restrooms.

"Some people said a toilet-themed burger would actually nauseate our customer base," said head of Burger King marketing Hoot McCall. "But at Burger King, we don't listen to a big ad agency to tell us what our customers like. We leave that to a guy in Plattsmouth, Nebraska named B.C."

"Yeah I came up with the idea, although the name they picked sucks ass," B.C. said, sucking his teeth and looking up at the sky. "If you ask me, the marketing writes itself on this baby. Just call it the Dump Burger. Boom, you're done. I guess those suits from corporate can suck my balls on this one. But they paid me in food discounts, so that ain't so bad."

To continue reading the saga of B.K. Bob click here.

Randy loved the job

but disagreed with the paint scheme.

Masturbating Moonshiner Explodes In Ball Of Fire

Naked Flaming B.C. Races Through Downtown Plattsmouth

Plattsmouth (NE) - Local flapjacker and purported ugly bumper B.C. was severely injured yesterday when an illegal still he constructed out of a garden hose, a fishtank, and several badly worn pocket pussies exploded in a ball of fire that could be seen as far away as Glenwood.

B.C. was attempting to produce a crude variety of moonshine by fermenting lime wedges and uneaten martini olives he scavenged from his job at a local country club. Turned on by the sight of his clandestine pocket pussy moonshine operation, B.C. stripped naked, turned on his CD of Sade and Jim Brickman covering Anita Baker songs, and began oiling himself down with his horny anxious hands.

After several minutes of intense slinky grasping, B.C. became so sexually excited that he walked over to the still and began humping not the exhausted pocket pussies but instead the mash of pulpy gray slurry of lime wedges and olive carcasses. Suddenly, the friction of B.C. violently pumping the slimy fermenting mixture caused the entire mess to burst into flames, quickly engulfing B.C.'s chest, arms and throbbing member.

Despite being on fire, B.C. continued masturbating until he achieved orgasm, then took off running down River Road (past a half mile of cool, flame retardant river water) to downtown Plattsmouth where he found a liquor store that could both extinguish the flames and sell him a handle of Cutty Sark. No one was severly injured in the accident.

Have some lunch!

This time
there was no doubt
in Tom's mind;
his psychedelic egg recipe
was a success.

Kyle knew his Mom was crazy

when she started

stabbing his shadow in the forehead.

A scene from a

recent Republican funraiser