Ronny Hubbard had a big dick and he knew it.

Xenu's Statue of Liberty audition went well, he thought.

Sandy's dreams of an all-night, all-you-can-eat

tuna casserole joint never came true.

...so that's how rich white guys like me will

always hold you back from achieving success.

The cotton candy is around the corner.

Brad liked to listen to Tom Sawyer by Rush

while he took pictures of himself in the mirror.

Later, in the alley behind the bar,

we thrashed John for years of air piano solos.

Jenny's pussy was immaculately groomed.

Christina's inability to mediate her dogs' breakup

was heartbreaking.

Jeff's fighting style was disarming.

Dirty dancing with Jackie was like

humping an incision for a liver transplant.

World's Sexiest F&B Man and Local

Pussy Snapper B.C. is Back on Top

Former gad-about-town is the toast of the Shmendricks

Omaha (NE) - Oft judged by many to be an unpredictable, leering jack-in-the-box bouncing on a crooked spring of success, former Plattsmouth gash farmer and local read-all-about-it B.C. is once again at the top of his game after a series of ups and devestating downs.

"What can I say?" B.C. smirked, pursing his lips and turning his head to the side. "They come to me. They say, B.C., we've got a problem and you're the only swingin' dick who can make it go away. And I sez to them, I sez, alright you cocksuckers, whatever it is you think you're going to pay me, double it. Then add some more. Then go home, have dinner with your family, watch a little TV, go to bed, and come in the next day with the brilliant idea of paying me even more. Then assemble that amount of money on a table, take a picture of it, and email it to me at ThatsStillNotEnough.com. No, better send it to payme@GetBent.edu.

Having evaded the limelight for months, B.C.'s sudden turn of success is baffling to some and long-overdue to others. In an interview with B.C.'s rarely public brother this week, the physician commented that "(B.C.) is displaying signs of alcohol withdrawl, porn addiction, and a false sense of well-being. He needs to go back to the club where I started my career and pay his dues by shaving backs. Then he needs to check out the tits and make a decision."

B.C. has also been seen partying around town at some of Omaha's hottest underground nightclubs like Club Gary and V. Trendy with a fair-skinned Laurel lookalike who's into activity dates and deep kissing. B.C. dismisses the relationship as, "another girl whose heart picked up what B.C. is laying down."

Jeff considered Randall's offer to cup his balls.

Cindy's sense of humor and winning personality
made Greg overlook the fact that she was a tube steak.

Bruce nailed last year's Christmas card photo.

Randy Judkins: Edutainment for Everyone

Ernie snapped the tiger's neck, thumped his chest,

and slowly, determinedly defiled the corpse.