Professor Lunch

2011-04-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

2010-04-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

A B.C. For All Seasons

The Unauthorized Biography of B.C.

and Recipe Book

Review by NY Times Critic Alan Lipcrust

Only a deaf hermit rolled up in a carpet and stuck up Steely Dan's asshole could have escaped the cultural flood of marketing genius B.C.'s overwhelmingly popular ad campaigns of late, first for Burger King, then for Subway, ("From day one I told 'em to cut the healthy crap and add more monkey to the menu, and guess what, those tasty little banana munchers are all that's holdin' that sandwich shack together," B.C. was famously quoted as saying), and now as head of design for Italian glamour icon Donatella Versace. Every sun staring, tooth sucking moment has been captured in the latest unauthorized B.C. biography, A B.C. For All Seasons (UNO Press).

Reading the often bewildering yet undeniably exhilirating account of B.C.s formative years is like poking your eyes through the glory hole in a library basement bathroom to watch a homeless guy pleasure himself with a discarded hoagie. You find yourself both intrigued and repulsed and perhaps a tiny bit hungry as the words in the book drip like hot hobo batter from the spoiled pages and in one amazing moment, you realize that the hoagie is not just an improvised pocket pussy but indeed a metaphor for the fragility of life.

B.C., however, has a different take on the book.

"This unauthorized biography is about as entertaining as Helen Keller getting a pearl necklace from an epilectic," B.C. guffawed. He dug his toe in the dirt, twisted it, spat on the ground, looked up at the sky, turned his head, coughed, adusted his package, and queefed out a shit-eating grin. "The story's got more holes in it than a gangbang full of gay siamese twins. You want the truth?" The words bounced out like a gynecologists examination of a ten year-old mormon girl. "Yeah I've ridden the bare ass of success and sipped from the cup of gluttonous wealth. And you know what?" He paused, fingers twitching, itching for the chance to punctuate B.C.'s next prophetic words. "It tasted like rotted twat."

Though the book skips over many of B.C.s controversial years as a dirt farmer and everyday clam flopper, it's definitely worth a read, especially for the delicious black bean soup recipe.

2009-08-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Bitch Is Back, Bitch! B.K. Bob Fries High On Success

Omaha (NE) - B.K. Bob, iconic fast food icon, philanthropist, gay rights activist, inventor, and registered sex offender, is back in the fry life again with a hot new look and business venture with budding entrepeneur and unapologetic life squatter B.C.

After years of seclusion in a gay nudist resort in Cabo, B.K. has re-emerged a new man, complete with a hot burger-themed style that is the talk of the Italian runways. "It's like a cross between Willy Wonka and Mayor McCheese" said Bob. "It came to me in a dream after an orgasmic evening greased with fry cook acne, pall malls, and a large helping of special sauce. The fries represent freedom and the sesame seeds, hope. The lettuce represents ass-sex."

B.K. Bob is also working on a secret business venture with all-around snake swinger B.C., who is rumored to be building a chain of topless funeral homes. "Some people say you can't sell sex and death together, but I say you can take anything and put tits on it," B.C. quipped, shifting his weight, hitching his thumb in his belt and focusing his gaze on a young couple playing grab ass in the Dairy Queen parking lot next door. "You find your wife dead in the bed next to you one morning, you're sad but you know what? You think about taking that old filly for one more trot before the clam dries up. The topless death market has no where to go but up."

2009-06-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

The honey bears assembled at dawn and

slaughtered the jam lady around the corner.

2009-02-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Ben's hair was slowly sneaking away.

2009-02-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

Warning: floor will not hold weight of adults.

2009-02-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

2009-01-25T20:11:00.000-08:00

New Crotch-Kicking Ranch!

2009-01-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

Gina was cute except for that gum thing.

2009-01-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

Krista tried too hard to impress her father.

2009-01-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

Ralph's career as a Ragu distributor was short-lived.

2008-12-26T15:14:00.000-08:00

Grover's battered relationship with Anderson Cooper left him

solitary and despondent.

2008-12-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

Beaker's legendary cocaine habit

destroyed his dreams of singing on Broadway.

2008-12-18T19:28:00.000-08:00

Stranded alone on a desert island,

Bohn quickly decided that clothing was optional.

2008-12-15T18:07:00.000-08:00

"I'll take the redhead," said Ted.

2008-12-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, I get the blow over to Mike, and..and..oh, man am I wasted. What's that? Is that a cop? No, no - it's cool. I am totally incognito.

2008-12-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

Stompin' Tom Connors was a sun-soaked Irish tenor who loved

beating the crap out of immigrants.

2008-11-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

R.E.M.! R.E.M.! Stipe is God!

2008-11-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

Pussy made $300 a night licking peanut butter.

2008-11-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

Speak out against feline-special needs-masturbation disinformation!

2008-11-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

So, Connie, thanks for answering the ad. Have you seen Double Parked I or II?

2008-11-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

Hook me up with your sister and I'll shave your coin purse.

2008-11-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

And the Grammy for Best 70s Spaceship Fiddle Album goes to...

Yes! Doug Kershaw! Devil's Elbow

2008-11-11T20:13:00.000-08:00

Found in Frosty the Snowman's porn stash.

2008-11-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

President-elect B.C. measures the White House drapes.

2008-11-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

Oddly, Cindy's married name was much better than her

maiden name, Cindy Knucklechildren.

2008-11-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

"And then the King of England knighted me Sir Flamsy Flim Flam

and we all dined on baby's breath and googly-eyed radishes."

2008-10-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

Bert turned in his Marlboro Miles for a PBR casket.

2008-07-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Psycho and Larry's brilliant physics equations

revolutionized the way we think about the origins of the universe.

2008-05-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hours later Whiskers blew himself up in a crowded dog park.

2008-05-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ralph's career as an undercover cop was short-lived.

2008-05-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

The band later fired Lisa for "not looking disinterested enough."

2008-05-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

"Greg, you gotta stop smokin' pot, put down the Playstation,

and quit beating your pud like it owes you money."

2008-04-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

That was the year that Paul went as

Ritchie Sambora's cock for Halloween.

2008-04-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

Great Moments in Black History Part IV:

Curtis Briggs, the first token black guy.

2008-04-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Doug's telemarketing paycheck barely covered the

student loans for his theater degree.

2008-03-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Ronny Hubbard had a big dick and he knew it.

2008-03-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

Xenu's Statue of Liberty audition went well, he thought.

2008-03-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Sandy's dreams of an all-night, all-you-can-eat

tuna casserole joint never came true.

2008-03-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

...so that's how rich white guys like me will

always hold you back from achieving success.

The cotton candy is around the corner.

2008-03-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Brad liked to listen to Tom Sawyer by Rush

while he took pictures of himself in the mirror.

2008-03-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Later, in the alley behind the bar,

we thrashed John for years of air piano solos.

2008-03-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Jenny's pussy was immaculately groomed.

2008-03-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Christina's inability to mediate her dogs' breakup

was heartbreaking.

2008-03-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Jeff's fighting style was disarming.

2008-03-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

Dirty dancing with Jackie was like

humping an incision for a liver transplant.

2008-03-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

World's Sexiest F&B Man and Local

Pussy Snapper B.C. is Back on Top

Former gad-about-town is the toast of the Shmendricks

Omaha (NE) - Oft judged by many to be an unpredictable, leering jack-in-the-box bouncing on a crooked spring of success, former Plattsmouth gash farmer and local read-all-about-it B.C. is once again at the top of his game after a series of ups and devestating downs.

"What can I say?" B.C. smirked, pursing his lips and turning his head to the side. "They come to me. They say, B.C., we've got a problem and you're the only swingin' dick who can make it go away. And I sez to them, I sez, alright you cocksuckers, whatever it is you think you're going to pay me, double it. Then add some more. Then go home, have dinner with your family, watch a little TV, go to bed, and come in the next day with the brilliant idea of paying me even more. Then assemble that amount of money on a table, take a picture of it, and email it to me at ThatsStillNotEnough.com. No, better send it to payme@GetBent.edu.

Having evaded the limelight for months, B.C.'s sudden turn of success is baffling to some and long-overdue to others. In an interview with B.C.'s rarely public brother this week, the physician commented that "(B.C.) is displaying signs of alcohol withdrawl, porn addiction, and a false sense of well-being. He needs to go back to the club where I started my career and pay his dues by shaving backs. Then he needs to check out the tits and make a decision."

B.C. has also been seen partying around town at some of Omaha's hottest underground nightclubs like Club Gary and V. Trendy with a fair-skinned Laurel lookalike who's into activity dates and deep kissing. B.C. dismisses the relationship as, "another girl whose heart picked up what B.C. is laying down."

2008-03-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Jeff considered Randall's offer to cup his balls.

2008-03-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

Cindy's sense of humor and winning personality
made Greg overlook the fact that she was a tube steak.

2008-03-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

Bruce nailed last year's Christmas card photo.

2008-03-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Randy Judkins: Edutainment for Everyone

2008-03-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

Ernie snapped the tiger's neck, thumped his chest,

and slowly, determinedly defiled the corpse.

2008-02-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

Jeff's style was like Dave Matthews meets complete crap.

2008-02-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Paul had to get the taste of box out of his mouth.

2008-02-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

What the 14 year-old girl you're having Internet sex with

really looks like.

2008-02-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

This time the most embarassing thing about Rick wasn't his hair.

2008-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

The most kick-ass movie poster ever.

2008-01-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

It started with a few friends playing hacky-sack at the park,

then someone pulled out a piano and started playing.

Next thing you know we had an impromptu jam session.

2008-01-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Scott liked to wear his glossy blue baseball jacket and

roam the neighborhood stomping kittens.

2008-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

Joyce's artful blend of hip-hop and trance was a

simmering stew of love, angst, and understanding.

2008-01-12T23:09:00.000-08:00

Undated photo of George Burn's father before he was lynched.

2008-01-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Later, Tim took Lisa upstairs and

dropped his fluid like a chemist.

2007-09-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

I just met you and already I hate you.

2007-08-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

Exhibitionist Vegan Beastiality porn is hot in Asia.

2007-08-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

Jill brought a photographer to the party to take

pictures of her with cool people.

2007-06-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ling's squirrel heritage was something she didn't like to talk about.

2007-05-17T19:59:00.001-07:00

Randy panicked and dropped his make-shift banana gun.

The robbery was foiled.

2007-05-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

Scraps wasn't into PDA but it made Lisa happy.

2007-05-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

'Yes, that's right, turn and stare,' he thought.

'Chin, you're a marketing genius.'

2007-05-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

Rook to bishop eight? Godammit Darla this is

after school chess club, start freakin' acting like it!

2007-04-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

Did ya' here about Phil? Half a can of

Pet Menu dog food and he's dead on the floor.

2007-04-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

The timing of Keith yelling and

the bird crapping couldn't have been worse.

2007-04-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

Awe geez man, I'm just out here living the dream, you know?

2007-04-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Foggy from the drugs, the bride

vaguely remembered the kidnapping.

2007-04-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

The good news, Billy my boy, is that

I only gave you herpes.

2007-04-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

Every group photo has one person

looking the wrong direction.

2007-03-25T20:29:00.001-07:00

Kick The Daushand is the most popular sport in Bulgaria.

2007-03-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Sarah was never good at first impressions.

2007-03-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Russ's American Idol audition tape sucked ass.

2007-03-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

Eddie regretted starting the riot.

2007-03-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

Jesus dude, this pot is really seedy.

2007-03-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

Cameron Randall, professional party crasher.

2007-02-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

As he plunged to his death,

Ben realized the bummer side of atheism.

2007-02-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

The Night Watchmen's 2nd album,

"White Glove / Dark Knight" sold 40 million copies.

2007-02-20T20:02:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night is Bitches' Night at Frank's dog bar.

2007-02-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

Finishing touches are put on DisneyWorld's

latest attraction, "Otto Rath's Wild Ride."

2007-02-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

Lenny's first kiss was awkward at best.

2007-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Rex quickly ate the vomit before anyone

at the orgy noticed what had happened.

2007-02-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

Yoshi felt like a hot shot in his new

middle upper sleep pod.

2007-02-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

The giant girl sat down, lifted one leg, and
let out a ground-rumbling queef.

2007-02-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

Randy had worse jobs in his life, but not many.

2007-02-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Hu Hai kissed the Snake King and proclaimed, "Thank you
for saving my people. You will make a...fine belt."

2007-01-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

Having been separated at birth, Lee and Gary

stared at each other in stunned amazement.

2007-01-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

Rhonda was fugly, but not quite pug fugly.

2007-01-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

Great Big's new t-shirt

2007-01-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

Bob donates head to science;

ends up on horror movie set.

2007-01-04T19:53:00.000-08:00

In high school, Laurie was fairly unpopular.

2006-12-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ralph got shit-faced on dog water and

puked all over the rug in the entryway.

2006-12-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

BK BOB MURDERED!

Rumsfeld vows to find killer

Omaha (NE) - Burger King spokesman, beloved children's entertainer and passionate gay rights activist BK Bob, recently linked romantically to former Chairman of Defense Donald "Randy" Rumsfeld, was found dead yesterday, decapitated in what appears to be cold blooded murder.

"Bob was like a teacher, a mother, a secret lover to me," proclaimed a visibly upset Rumsfeld, clutching the head of Bob. "We had dreams of traveling the world together and starting our own vineyard someday. Now our dreams are splattered like a ketchup packet run over in a parking lot and I vow to find the bastard who killed him."

McDonald's Hamburglar was questioned and released. The body of BK Bob has yet to be recovered. Rumsfeld awoke yesterday morning to find Bob's head on a plate in his refrigerator next to an open can of Old Milwaukee and a half-eaten gas station burrito. Several teeth had been bashed in and the bleeding severed neck showed obvious signs of incomprehensible sexual abuse.

Reached by phone at his hillside compound in Plattsmouth, longtime acquaintance and frequent dog wagger B.C. had little to say of the death. "If you ask me I'd say he slipped on a banana peel," B.C. deadpanned. "Sounds like Bob put his pickle between one too many pair of buns and someone didn't like it."

Conflicting reports depict Bob's age as between 36 and 42 years of age. He is survived by his nephew Gary and four Chinese hairless cats. Funeral services will be tomorrow at the Burger King on 76th and Dodge in Omaha. Fries will remain at half price until sundown. B.C. will speak.