Professor Lunch

A B.C. For All Seasons

The Unauthorized Biography of B.C.

and Recipe Book

Review by NY Times Critic Alan Lipcrust

Only a deaf hermit rolled up in a carpet and stuck up Steely Dan's asshole could have escaped the cultural flood of marketing genius B.C.'s overwhelmingly popular ad campaigns of late, first for Burger King, then for Subway, ("From day one I told 'em to cut the healthy crap and add more monkey to the menu, and guess what, those tasty little banana munchers are all that's holdin' that sandwich shack together," B.C. was famously quoted as saying), and now as head of design for Italian glamour icon Donatella Versace. Every sun staring, tooth sucking moment has been captured in the latest unauthorized B.C. biography, A B.C. For All Seasons (UNO Press).

Reading the often bewildering yet undeniably exhilirating account of B.C.s formative years is like poking your eyes through the glory hole in a library basement bathroom to watch a homeless guy pleasure himself with a discarded hoagie. You find yourself both intrigued and repulsed and perhaps a tiny bit hungry as the words in the book drip like hot hobo batter from the spoiled pages and in one amazing moment, you realize that the hoagie is not just an improvised pocket pussy but indeed a metaphor for the fragility of life.

B.C., however, has a different take on the book.

"This unauthorized biography is about as entertaining as Helen Keller getting a pearl necklace from an epilectic," B.C. guffawed. He dug his toe in the dirt, twisted it, spat on the ground, looked up at the sky, turned his head, coughed, adusted his package, and queefed out a shit-eating grin. "The story's got more holes in it than a gangbang full of gay siamese twins. You want the truth?" The words bounced out like a gynecologists examination of a ten year-old mormon girl. "Yeah I've ridden the bare ass of success and sipped from the cup of gluttonous wealth. And you know what?" He paused, fingers twitching, itching for the chance to punctuate B.C.'s next prophetic words. "It tasted like rotted twat."

Though the book skips over many of B.C.s controversial years as a dirt farmer and everyday clam flopper, it's definitely worth a read, especially for the delicious black bean soup recipe.