Professor Lunch

B.K. Bob Acquitted; Arby's, Long John Silvers Fight To Ink Deal

Editor's Note: This story is part of the long-running saga of BK Bob. Start from the beginning by clicking here.

Omaha (NE) - World famous Burger King Bob, seen on televisions around the globe and caught up in highly publicized on-again off-again romance with actress Kyra Sedgewick, was acquitted today of child molestation charges. Absent of his usual toothy grin, a visibly relieved Bob exited the courtroom and stepped into a bidding war between fast food giants for use of his likeness in future ad campaigns.

"I'd rather be flame broiled than go to the joint again," Bob says, eyeing a group of small children playing nearby. In the late 1980s, B.K. Bob spent three years at the Oklahoma State penitentiary after being convicted of smuggling counterfeit Disney Happy Meal toys into Arkansas. "I realize now that I can't keep ordering the kids meals," Bob laments.

Bob and the Burger King have been seen partying in every major city from Paris to Tokyo, often waking up with a different girl every morning. "One time, the King and I woke up with each other," Bob admits. "There were fries all over the bed and the room smelled like a combination of ketchup and asshole. But that's better than the time I passed out at Mayor McCheese's and the Hamburglar had his way with me. I still can't eat pickles without needing to take a shit."

Bob is currently in talks with Arby's and Long John Silvers to take on spokesperson duties at one of the fast food conglomerates. Though he could go either way, Bob indicates that he may secretly have a preference in mind. "I'm a big fan of fried food. Fried food and naughty little girls left alone in the play area while their parents order it. Yum." Bob says.