Professor Lunch

Masturbating Moonshiner Explodes In Ball Of Fire

Naked Flaming B.C. Races Through Downtown Plattsmouth

Plattsmouth (NE) - Local flapjacker and purported ugly bumper B.C. was severely injured yesterday when an illegal still he constructed out of a garden hose, a fishtank, and several badly worn pocket pussies exploded in a ball of fire that could be seen as far away as Glenwood.

B.C. was attempting to produce a crude variety of moonshine by fermenting lime wedges and uneaten martini olives he scavenged from his job at a local country club. Turned on by the sight of his clandestine pocket pussy moonshine operation, B.C. stripped naked, turned on his CD of Sade and Jim Brickman covering Anita Baker songs, and began oiling himself down with his horny anxious hands.

After several minutes of intense slinky grasping, B.C. became so sexually excited that he walked over to the still and began humping not the exhausted pocket pussies but instead the mash of pulpy gray slurry of lime wedges and olive carcasses. Suddenly, the friction of B.C. violently pumping the slimy fermenting mixture caused the entire mess to burst into flames, quickly engulfing B.C.'s chest, arms and throbbing member.

Despite being on fire, B.C. continued masturbating until he achieved orgasm, then took off running down River Road (past a half mile of cool, flame retardant river water) to downtown Plattsmouth where he found a liquor store that could both extinguish the flames and sell him a handle of Cutty Sark. No one was severly injured in the accident.