Professor Lunch

Oates Crashes Oscars, Hall Quits The Band

Naked Oates High On Meth, Morning After Pills

Hollywood (CA) - Eighties rocker John Oates, after consuming a mind-numbing cocktail of crank, Robitussun, and a mouthful of morning after pills, stormed the red carpet Sunday, naked as a jay bird and stumbling around muttering "Fuck Hall, fuck Hall" over and over and over again.

He arrived at the Oscars clinging to the back bumper of Hillary Swank's limousine. As the limo rolled up to the Kodak theater in Hollywood, Oates jumped from the back bumper, bear crawled under the legs of two security guards, and ran down the red carpet yelling back "You're out of time biatch!"

When asked about the incident later, Swank said, "I saw Oates jump on the bumper back on the freeway on ramp outside of San Bernadino. At first I was going to have the driver stop and shoo him away, but then I figured Why stop? He'll lose his grip eventually. But you've got to hand it to him - he clung to the back of that limo like a baby monkey clinging to his mother's back."

Oates was later arrested and then released to the care of a forgiving Daryl Hall, who said, "It's no secret that Oates is a douche bag. Do I need to say any more?"